God Jokes

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs...
Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"

God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction,& tummy tuck.She even changed her hair color!

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home...she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,"You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn’t you save me from the truck?"

God replied: "I couldn’t recognize you!"

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."

To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

God and Adam Are Discussing Women…

Adam says to God, “God, why did you make women so soft?”

God says, “So that you will like them.”

Adam says, “God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?”

God says, “So that you will like them.”

Adam says to God, “But, God, why did you make them so stupid?”

God says, “So that they will like you.”

Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a "Woman". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says "I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says "But I need my arm and leg... what can I get for just a rib?"

And the rest is history...

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse a-me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I'd-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something should-a happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you, "says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please a- slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm-a gonna lose a my licence," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need-a to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't a think we wanna do that, he's a-really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean a really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "President?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Bigger than the President? - ridiculous," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting.

"Bach! hallelujah!"

God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life composing EVERYTHING except for opera. Now you ask ME to write an oratorio for YOUR angelic choir... Do I look like the Messiah?"

"Well" God said: "I guess you just can't Handel it."

An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!"

The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."

After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"

"Oh, mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"

A man is stranded in the ocean

And he begins praying to God. "Dear god, please, surely you will save me."

A couple minutes later, a boat comes by. "Hey buddy, do you need a ride or something?"

The man responds "No, no, I'm waiting for our holy lord to save me, but thank you."

Another boat comes driving up. This one from the coast guard. "Hey, are you ok out here? We can boat you back into shore."

To which the man responds "No thank you, I am waiting for our holy father to save me from this dilemma."

The coast guard cruises away. Then, a man in a rowboat comes rowing up. He says "Hey, I was out fishing, when I noticed you look a little stranded. Need a hand?"

The man replies, almost annoyed, "No, I do not need help. God almighty will save me from this predicament."

The boater rows away.

After a while, the man gets frustrated that he had no been saved. "God, why have you not saved me? I have waited and waited, but still nothing."

To which God replies "Well, I sent three boats your way, but you didn't use any of them."

Boy: Daddy is God a boy or a girl?
Father: Both, son.
Boy: Daddy is God white or black?
Father: Both, son.
Boy: Daddy is God Michael Jackson?

Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney", not "Whitney".

Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament?

Answer: In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. "What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God.
"Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives."
"Oh," says Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux's clock goes back by half an hour....Then Campbell's does. Glenn has a closer look - "Where's Beckhams clock then?"
"Ah well, we've got that one in the office - we're using it as a fan!"

God made oceans, God made lakes, God made N'SYNC but hey, we all make mistakes!

Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God

God says "I'll answer one question from each of you."

Reagan asks "How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?"

God replies "50 years."

Reagan starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Thatcher says "What about the British people? How long until they're all happy?"

God says "100 years."

Thatcher starts to weep as well, saying "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Gorbachev asks "What about the Soviet people?"

God starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know, Mr. Kubrick doesn't take meetings," Peter replies.

They continue on their tour until Steven notices a man with a beard, wearing an Army jacket and riding around on a bicycle. Steven stops in his tracks and turns to Peter.

"Hold on. That's Stanley Kubrick!" Spielberg shouts.

"No," Peter says. "Its God. He thinks he's Stanley Kubrick."

In the beginning...

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It's ime for you and Eve to begin the process of popultating the Earth, so I want you to start kissing Eve."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is 'kiss'?"

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand, and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emereged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "Yes Lord, but what is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief instruction, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam."

"And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam said, "Yes Lord, but what is 'making love'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam direction, and Adam again went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappered in two seconds

And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache'"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.

After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise. From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.

After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."

Poor Monica after a relaxing bath

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror!

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed... And just like that... her ears fell off.

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Mother Teresa dies and of course goes directly to heaven. God greets her and asks her, "After you get familiar with this place, how about we have dinner together?" "I would love to eat dinner with you!" Later that evening they meet up for dinner and she takes a seat at the dining room table. God is in the kitchen and starts preparing a very simple meal: one can of tuna fish and some crackers. Through some cracks in the floor, Mother Teresa looks down at Hell; she sees fire and red hot flames with hundreds of thousands of people, and they are dining on lobster, fine wine, chocolate cakes, steaks, pancakes, row after row of fine food. Mother Teresa can't help but ask, "God, look at how they're eating down there. Shouldn't we be dining even better than Hell? You are just serving canned tuna and crackers..." God says, "Well, I figure since it's just the two of us, why cook?"

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.

"I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied,

"Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained,

"I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain.

This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve.

The other organ is called a penis.

It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet.

Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed,

"These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "

The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.

The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.

"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn’t know that Bono was dead.

St. Peter: No, no, that’s not Bono, that’s god, he just thinks he’s Bono.

Steve Irwin is mulling around Gods office, they get to talking.

Steve says to God, "look I appreciate you trying to make me feel at home and all that, but crikey I asked for a CROC not a BROCK!"

The Pope dies and arrives at Heaven's gates.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Gates of heaven

Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they speak to God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation around Heaven. The type of transportation you have depends on how faithful you were to your spouse.

So the first man walks up to God, and God asks the first man, "were you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on her?"
And the man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times."
So God gave the man a Buick Skylark.

Then God asked the second man the same question,and the second man answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times." So God gave the man a Honda Accord.

Then God asked the third man the same question. The third man replied, " I have never cheated on my wife. I have always been completely faithful to her. " So God gave this man a beautiful convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the other men in his beautiful sports car.

All the other men were jealous, but they knew that they got what they deserved.

One day while on the road, the first two men saw the third man driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled up next to him and the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a gorgeous car! You should be having the best time of all three of us."

The third man just looked down the road with his mouth wide open and said," I just passed my wife on roller skates."

What did God say to Joseph when he knocked up Mary?

Answer: Divine intervention baby!

What is the difference between God and Johnnie Cochran?

Answer: God does not think that he is Johnnie Cochran!

What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite God?

Answer: Ra

What's the difference between Bono and God?

Answer: God doesn't walk around Dublin pretending he's Bono

What's the difference between Kanye West and God?

Answer: God doesn't think that He's Kanye.

When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

When Michael Jackson died all that was on the radio was Michael Jackson songs. When Whitney Houston died all you could hear was Whitney Houston songs. I just hope Justin Bieber never dies.

Why did God create alcohol?

Answer: So ugly people could have sex, too.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

Answer: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.