Jesus Christ Jokes

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'”

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Imagine if Jesus was Russian, and it was vodka instead of wine.

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common.
They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish.

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn’t the right club, “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”

Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I’m telling you, that’s not enough club!”

Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”

Jesus said, “This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.

About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, “What’s he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” “No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

Jesus could walk on water, Zlatan can swim through land.

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!" said the old man.

Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!"

The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Pinocchio!"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.

After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise. From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.

After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if it was who he thought it might be, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

The Pope dies and arrives at Heaven's gates.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

What did Jesus say to Albert Einstein when Einstein died?

We could have used a brilliant mind like yours in Heaven. Too bad you are a Jew.

Einstein replied, "That explains why you're here with me."

What do the Anaheim Ducks and Billy Graham have in common?

Answer: They both can make 15,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

What do the New York Yankees and Billy Graham have in common?

Answer: They both can make 40,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

Answer: A Christler

What's the difference between Jesus and Madonna?

Answer: Jesus was only resurrected once.

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

Answer: He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

Why is Donald Trump like Jesus?

Answer: He'll never be as good as his Daddy.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

Answer: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?

Answer: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.