Pope Jokes

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start."

The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."

The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..."

The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"

"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower . . ."

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. ”Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings,” said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, ”Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?” St. Peter looked at the Pope and said ”True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.”

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse a-me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I'd-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something should-a happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you, "says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please a- slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm-a gonna lose a my licence," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need-a to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't a think we wanna do that, he's a-really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean a really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "President?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Bigger than the President? - ridiculous," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.

The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.

The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy forever." The Queen, astonished asked him to do this.

So, the Pope slapped her across the face.

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Little Johnny is on an airplane with Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and the Pope...

The airplane is shot out of Russian airspace and is about to crash. There are 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. One of them will be left behind on the plane when it crashes.

Bill Gates says, "I am Bill Gates, one of the founders of Microsoft. My devices are used by people across the globe, and I donate billions of dollars to charity. I can't afford to die." So, he takes the first pack and jumps out of the plane.

Donald Trump says, "I am the one, the only, the Donald Trump. I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history. It's true, believe me. My people don't want me to die, so I'm taking this parachute." Then he snatches the second pack and jumps out of the plane.

The Pope turns to Little Johnny and says, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

Little Johnny turns down the offer and says, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's enough parachutes for both of us. The President just jumped out with my backpack..."

The Pope’s Surprise

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.

Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.

Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it?

Answer: A surname.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

The Pope dies and arrives at Heaven's gates.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

The Pope, a hippie, and George Bush were all on a plane that was crashing. The pilots had already jumped to safety and there were only two parachutes left. Without a moment's hesitation, Bush grabbed a pack, yelled "I'm the most powerful man in the universe! I have to survive!", and jumped from the plane.

The Pope, being the generous man that he is, said to the hippie, "You go ahead and take the last parachute. I'm an old man and I have lived a very full life."

The hippie thanked the Pope but said, "Don't worry - we'll both be fine. The most powerful man in the universe just jumped off the plane with my backpack."

The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory.

There was this man on a flight to the Vatican. His greatest wish was to meet the Pope. To his surprise, he got on the plane, found his seat, and his was sitting next to the Pontiff himself. He noticed the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. Not wanting the Pope, he waited and thought that maybe, just maybe, his holiness would ask him for help if he got stumped.

Just then, Pope John leaned over and said "Excuse me, my son, but do you know a four letter word for "A name for a woman" that end in "UNT".

The man thought to himself, "I can't tell him the answer to that. How embarrasing". Just then, he thought of the right answer. "I believe that would be AUNT, your holiness".

The Pope said, "Oh..Okay..do you have an eraser"?

There's a plane that's going to crash. There's 5 passangers and only 4 parachutes.

The first passanger, Jonathon Davis, says "I'm the lead singer of KoRn, and without me there'd be no Family Values Tour" so he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passanger, Morgan Lander, says "Without me there's no Kittie" and takes the second parachute and jumps.

The third passanger, Justin, says "There's no NSync without me, I'm hot, and I'm such a good idol, and plus I'm the smartest guy in the world" and takes the third parachute and jumps.

The fourth passanger, the Pope, says to the fifth passanger, a 10 year old boy scout "You can take the last parachute, I'm old and I'll die soon anyways."

The boy scout tells him "Oh that's ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest guy took my backpack

Warren Beatty and the Pope both happen to die on the same day. Because of a heavenly clerical error, the Pope is sent to hell and Warren Beatt goes to heaven. As soon as the Pope arrives in hell, he realizes that there has been a mistake and demands to see the demon in charge. He is immediately brought before the Devil.

"There must be some mistake!" exclaims the Pope. "I'm the Pope! i should be in heaven!"

"Just a moment," says the Devil, "let me get your file up on the computer." A microsecond later, the Devil is looking at the Pope's records. "Hmmmm," he says, "you're right. Our apologies. We‘ll correct the error immediately."

in a split second, the Pope whooshes up to heaven and lands on a fluffy white cloud. As he starts walking in through the Pearly Gates, he sees Warren Beatty walking out. "I'm sor ' to do this to you, my son," says the sympathetic pontiff, "but l've rbeen waiting my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Holy Virgin Mary."

Warren Beatty smiles and shrugs his shoulders. "Sorry, padre," he says, "too late."

What did the Cardinal say when he saw the Pope had forgot to flush?

Answer: Holy shit!

What did the pope say to Aretha Franklin?

Answer: I said play pope music not pop music.

What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Answer: Holy Guacamole.

What happened when Pope Francis splashed some Holy Water on Donald Trump?

Answer: He began to burn!

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Answer: Popeye nearly killed him.

What happens when the pope dies?

Answer: Another one popes up!

When the Pope last visited Ireland, his plane was due to have landed in Dublin, but was diverted to Shannon because of fog. The chauffeur was ordered to rush round to Shannon to meet him, and got there just as the Pope's plane landed. The Pope got out, kissed the ground, then spotted the gleaming white Rolls Royce on the runway. His eyes lit up. "I've always wanted to drive one of these," he sdaid to the chauffeur. "Get in the back." The chauffeur protested, but did as he was told. The Pope drove around for a bit to get used to the car, then glanced at his watch and saw that he was very late for his appointment in Dublin. In an effort to get there on time, he floored the accelerator, and before long the car was doing over 100mph, but hadn't gone very far before a police car came alongside it, and forced the Rolls Royce to pull over. The policeman walked over and looked at the driver's license, then walked a few steps away to radio his superior officer.
"I've just caught someone very important speeding. What shall I do?"
"Who is he? Is he more important than the President?"
"Yes, more important than that!"
"More important than Terry Wogan?"
"Yes, far more important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I don't know, but he's obviously very important. He's being driven by the Pope."

Why can’t the Pope be cremated?

Answer: Because he’s alive.

Why does the Pope wear under-pants in the bath?

Answer: He doesn't like looking at the unemployed.

Why was Pope Francis not allowed to fly into the United States?

Answer: He wanted to bring more than 3 oz of holy water with him!