Singer Jokes

A cyber security conference hired Céline Dion to perform at their opening ceremony.
She sang her new song... "Can beauty come out of hashes"

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said, 'Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!'

Did you guys know that Dr. Schrodinger was a Bon Jovi fan?

Answer: His favorite song was "Wanted Dead and Alive"

Did you hear about Prince?

Answer: Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

How does Nadine Coyle make toast in the jungle?

Answer: She puts it under the gorilla!

I keep fantasising that I'm Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and occasionally, Bing Crosby.

Think I've got crooner virus.

If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Answer: Only if they planet.

My daughter informed me that the paper said Huey Lewis had cancelled his show.
To this I responded, "Well, I guess you could say that's Huey Lewis in the News."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn’t know that Bono was dead.

St. Peter: No, no, that’s not Bono, that’s god, he just thinks he’s Bono.

The piano has been drinking, not me

What did Bob Hope sing after Dolly Parton appeared on his show?

Answer: Thanks for the mammaries.

What did Demi Lovato say to the doctor?

Answer: I think I'll have a heart attack.

What did Nancy Sinatra say about her actor friend Christopher's custom-made footwear?

Answer: These boots are made for Walken.

What did the pope say to Aretha Franklin?

Answer: I said play pope music not pop music.

What do Michael Hutchence and Jim Morrison have in common?

Answer: They both liked hanging around doors.

What do you call a goat that plays the piano?

Answer: Billy Joel

What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Answer: Trombones

What is the best thing about getting head from Barbara Streisand?

Answer: Ten minutes of silence.

What is the difference between Barry Zito and Bowling Icon Walter Ray Williams Jr?

Answer: Walter knows how to throw a strike.

What was Prince’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Raspberry Sorbet

What's the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham?

Answer: They are both fucking crap singers.

Whats a musician’s favorite Holiday?

Answer: Billie Holiday

Where does Phil Collins record his songs?

Answer: In a stu-stu-studio.

Which Jedi became a rock star?

Answer: Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.

Who's a urologist's favorite jazz singer?

Answer: Urethra Franklin!

Why did Blake Shelton break up with Miranda Lambert?

Answer: Because her lips didn't taste like sangria!

Why did the charges for Jamie Foxx’s alleged stalker get dropped?

Answer: He said his name is Bill O’Reilly and he is a “Fox talker” not a “Foxx stalker”!

Why did the zombie want to eat Meghan Trainor?

Answer: Because every inch of her was perfect from the bottom to the top.

Why didn't Tom Petty open his parachute?

Answer: Because he was Free Falling.

Yo mama so stupid Rebecca Black taught her Thursday comes before Friday!

Yo mama's so dumb that Rebecca Black taught her the days of the week.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s Not Unusual.”