Golf Jokes

Did you hear Finn Balor is a terrible golfer?

Answer: They call him Prince Divot.

Did you hear WWE almost gave Finn Balor a golfer gimmick?

Answer: Foregal Divot

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?

Answer: Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.

How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?

Answer: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.

He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.

Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. ” I scored 126,” he said

“That’s very good, you’re golf is certainly improving,” said Kissinger.

“I was bowling, Henry,” Nixon replied.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

What do you call a lion playing golf?

Answer: Roarin' Mcllroy

What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf?

Answer: Fantastic 4-some

What kind of model is Paige Spiranac?

Answer: A hole in one of a kind model.

What's the difference between a golfer and Harrison Ford?

Answer: A golfer **wants** to land on the fairway.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron?

Answer: Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club?

Answer: Happy Gilmore

Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together?

Answer: Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer.

Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian golfer?

Answer: Because he always finishes second!

Why does Paige Spiranac wear two pairs of pants?

Answer: In case she gets a hole in one.

Why does Trump like mini-golf?

Answer: Because mini-strokes are common.

Why Donald Trump likes to play Golf not Tennis?

Answer: He is not good at returns!