David Beckham Jokes

Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call "Hello boss, it's David Beckham "Yes David what can I do for you?"

"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible" "What's it supposed be?" "The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game" Ferguson starts to panic now. "I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"

"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. "David, put the fucking cornflakes back in the box"

Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked huffing and puffing.

"What are you doing?" asks David with a hint of suspicion. Posh stutters a reply "I'm er, er.... I'm having a heart attack" "Oh no" he cries in despair "I'll call an ambulance" he runs downstairs picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's a matter, son" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, Daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet chested Welsh tosser is stood there starkers.

"You wanker, Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around bollock naked scaring Brooklyn".

Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto.

They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead.

Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavement, high fives all around from the firemen.

Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....

"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.

"No we won't" they reply.

"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.

"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.

"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"

David Beckham has joked that when he is in bed with Victoria she always teases him for having such a small cock, but his teammates in the shower after football always compliment him on how massive it is.

Well, that’s the difference an erection makes…

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The barman says "Pint, Dave?"
Beckham replies "No, just a half then I'm off."

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker..."

Did you hear that Posh Spice was stopped for drink driving?

Answer: She was found behind the wheel of a car with a pint of Becks inside her.

Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. "What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God.
"Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives."
"Oh," says Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux's clock goes back by half an hour....Then Campbell's does. Glenn has a closer look - "Where's Beckhams clock then?"
"Ah well, we've got that one in the office - we're using it as a fan!"

What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have in common?

Answer: They both come in a Posh box!

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?

Answer: They both get screwed by David Beckham.

What have Posh Spice and Man Utd got in common?

Answer: They both play with Beckham.

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?

Answer: Waste of Spice

What's the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham?

Answer: They are both fucking crap singers.

What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

Answer: One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!