Josef Stalin Jokes

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!"

The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."

After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"

"Oh, mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"

During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. "What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?"

"West, comrade Stalin."

"Go and think, comrade Zhukov!"

As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, "What a pig!"

Stalin's secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin's office.

"Whom did you have in mind when you said 'What a pig?' Stalin asked.

"Of course, I meant Hitler," Zhukov said.

"Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?" Stalin said.

How do Communists ask for help?

Answer: Quit Stalin and get Lenin me a hand right Mao!

Lenin proved that even female cooks could manage a country.

Stalin proved that just one person could manage a country.

Khrushchev proved that a fool could manage a country.

Brezhnev proved that a country doesn’t need to be managed at all.

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

Stalin gets mad and asks, "Who sneezed?".

Stalin asks once again, "Who sneezed?"

When nobody comes forward, Stalin says "Very well. First row, stand up!". The first row in the crowd stands up, and a firing squad shoots them all.

"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks again, but nobody comes forward.

"Alright, second row, stand up!". The second row stands up and they are shot by the firing squad.

"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks, and eventually an elderly old man in the crowd gets up and says "I can't take it anymore! It was me, alright? I sneezed!".

"Come to me now!", Stalin says to the man who sneezed.

The man goes up to Stalin, and Stalin looks at him for a few moments before saying "Bless you, comrade!"

Was it possible to criticize Hitler?

Answer: “Sure.” The same way as you criticized Stalin. You had to lock yourself in your bedroom, hide under two, or better three covers, place a pillow, or better two pillows on top of the blankets over your head, and then whisper whatever your soul wishes about the dictator, strictly adhering to a five-minute limit.

What dictator is a paradox?

Answer: Stalin, because he's Russian.

What did the citizen say to the dictator?

Answer: Please stop "stalin" and feed us.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

Answer: Some of Stalin’s subjects admired him.

When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.
So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is surprised. “Really? What do people do there?”
Stalin says “Well they can go to the office, slam their fist on the desk and say “I don’t like how America runs things!”

Who was the dictator of the horses?

Answer: Joseph Stallion

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

Answer: They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time?

Answer: They're way too into Stalin

Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?

Answer: At Lenin's time, Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.

With Lenin, it was like being in a tunnel: You‘re surrounded by darkness, but there’s light ahead.

With Stalin, it was like being on a bus: One person is driving, half the people on the bus are sitting and the other half are quaking with fear.

With Khrushchev, it was like at a circus: One person is talking, and everyone else is laughing.

With Brezhnev, it was like at the movies: Everyone’s just waiting for the film to end.