Mikhail Gorbachev Jokes

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

"No,” he responds. “That line was even longer."

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

Answer: A last name.

Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God

God says "I'll answer one question from each of you."

Reagan asks "How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?"

God replies "50 years."

Reagan starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Thatcher says "What about the British people? How long until they're all happy?"

God says "100 years."

Thatcher starts to weep as well, saying "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Gorbachev asks "What about the Soviet people?"

God starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"

Mikhail Gorbachev and his wife were on the train returning to Russia following a state visit to East Germany. After they'd been travelling a short while, his wife asked him: "Where are we now, Mikhail dear?"

He put his hand out of the window and said: "We're still in Germany, dear."

Several hours later, his wife asked him again: "Where are we now?"

He put his hand out of the window and replied: "In Poland."

Some time later, his wife asked again: "Where are we now?"

Gorbachev put his hand out of the window and said: "We're back in Russia."

His wife was curious; she asked: "How do you know where we are just by putting your hand out of the window?"

He replied: "When I put my hand out in Germany, the people kissed it. When I put my hand out in Poland, they spat on it. And when I put my hand out in Russia, they stole my watch."

Reporters are doing an interview with Gorbachev

Reporter: "So, what have you been up to lately?"

Gorbachev: "I've started collecting political jokes about myself."

Reporter: "That's interesting, how many do you have?"

Gorbachev: "About 5 gulags"

Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Michail Gorbatjov are riding together on a plane. They fly over the Empire State Building and Reagan proudly boasts:

"See that? We built that in a few days from scratch!"

Then they fly over the Buckingham Palace and Thatcher proudly says:

"See that? That we built in a week!"

When they got to Russia and flew over the Kremlin they both looked at Gorbachev.

"Strange " he says "This...wasn't here yesterday..."

Gorbachev and Reagan met to discuss security

They started to argue about who has the best personal security. Naturally Gorbachev said he does, and Reagan said he does. They were meeting at the Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this.

Gorbachev told Reagan, "look". He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyon. The security detachment looked at Gorbachev, took a run, and jumped (by miracle he was safe hanging on a branch few meters lower).

Reagan looked at his secret service and told him to jump. The secret service looked at Reagan and said "I have a wife and children at home. I am not jumping."

Shocked, Reagan walked over to the ambulance that had arrived and asked Gorbachev’s security detachment: "Why did you jump?!"

He replied: "I have a wife and children at home."