Sherlock Holmes Jokes

A kid ask his slightly deaf father about Sherlock Holmes.

-Dad, do you know who was Sherlock Holmes' best friend?

-What son?

Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend, Sherlock Holmes, out front, in an overall, applying a bright, yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes, what is it?" asks the curious Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replies Holmes.

How does Sherlock Holmes get all the ladies?

Answer: Seductive reasoning.

How does Sherlock Holmes use the bathroom?

Answer: By process of elimination.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes who?
Sherlock Holmes (should lock homes) somebody could break in.

One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case. Suddenly, Holmes seizes a chunk of blood-spattered limestone from the ground.

"What is it, Holmes?" asks Watson, eagerly.

Holmes turns and replies, gravely, "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.

Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are?"

The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!"

At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.

Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is?"

"No, Holmes, of course not!"

"He's a mathematician!"

"Holmes, that's incredible! But *how* do you know?"

"It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.

"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"

"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.

"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.

"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided by four."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were called to a park in London to investigate a crime involving an unusual tree. The ABC Tree, as it was called, had the unique ability to actually grow all the letters of the alphabet. Shockingly, however, it seemed that someone had plucked most of the letters from the tree.

Watson approached the tree and examined it closely. "My goodness, Holmes!" he exclaimed. "It appears that some ne'er-do-well has stolen all but the twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth letters of the alphabet. What do you make of that, Holmes?"

Holmes sucked at his pipe contemplatively for a moment before answering, "Why, it's an LMN Tree, my dear Watson."

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water, looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our 'bimini top'!"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting some rocks

Sherlock picks up a rock, admiring it. Watson asks, "What kind of rock is that? Igneous?"

Sherlock replies, "Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary."

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."

Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."

"Sure.", says Watson. "Here's a tennis ball I just found here. Let me deduce the daylights out of it!"

"This tennis ball is harder than ordinary tennis balls. That tells us that the owner is a strong man who hits the ball hard."

This tennis ball has a brown weight attached on one side. That tells me that the owner is an advanced tennis player who loves to play tennis with a twist."

The green colour of this tennis ball matches the colour of the grass at Wimbledon. This tells us that the owner might be a world class tennis player."

"What do you think Holmes?" asks Watson with a smirk.

Sherlock Holmes yawns and says, "You've been excellent this time, Watson. Now come on give me that guava because I'm hungry."

Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.

The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.

"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

Sherlock Holmes walks onto a crime scene. Watson says, “It appears that the criminal’s shoes left behind some form of mineral. What do you make of it, Holmes?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson!”

Sherlock Holmes, how is the periodic table structured?

It's elementally, my dear Watson.

Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

Watson didn't make much money working for Sherlock Holmes

Answer: Too many deductions.

Watson, Sherlock Holmes's faithful assistant, asked, "What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?"

Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."

What did Sherlock Holmes say after being asked to get a paternity test?

Answer: Wat*son*?

What did Sherlock Holmes say when Dr. Watson asked him what grade an eight year-old was in?

Answer: Elementary, my dear Watson!

What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician?

Answer: Sherlock Ohms!

What do you get if you cross an alligator with Sherlock Holmes?

Answer: An Investigator.

What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet?

Answer: He de-deuces.

What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite school subject?

Answer: Che-mystery

What would Sherlock Holmes say if he was a geologist?

Answer: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Which question does Sherlock Holmes ask when he is bored?

Answer: Watson TV?

Who was the first electricity detective?

Answer: Sherlock Ohms

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

Answer: He's a master of deduction.

Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?

Answer: Because he was looking for a good case idea.

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?

Answer: He liked a good croak and dagger.

Why doesn't sherlock holmes ever drink tea made in hospitals?

Answer: He really hates more ER tea!