Steven Spielberg Jokes

A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar. Spielberg suddenly slapped the Chinese..

Chinese: why?

Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!

Chinese: But I am Chinese, not Japanese.

Spielberg: You fool! Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese, you are all the same.

The Chinese punched Spielberg.

Spielberg: Why did you do that?

Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.

Spielberg: But Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!

Chinese: Iceberg, carlsberg, spielberg, you are all the same!!

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know, Mr. Kubrick doesn't take meetings," Peter replies.

They continue on their tour until Steven notices a man with a beard, wearing an Army jacket and riding around on a bicycle. Steven stops in his tracks and turns to Peter.

"Hold on. That's Stanley Kubrick!" Spielberg shouts.

"No," Peter says. "Its God. He thinks he's Stanley Kubrick."

Madonna was trying to measure a flag pole. She only had a measuring tape, and she was getting frustrated trying to slide the tape up the pole. Stephen Spielberg walks by and offers to help. He removes the pole from the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily. When he leaves, Madonna turns to Guy Ritchie and says, “That’s just like Spielberg! We need to know its height, and he gives us its length!”

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

'Well,' started Stallone, 'I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.'

'Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano' said Willis. 'I'll play him.'

'I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,' said Segall. 'I'd like to play him.'

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. 'Sounds splendid.' Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, 'Who do you want to be, Arnold?' So Arnold says 'I'll be Bach.'

What do you call a circumcision performed by Steven Spielberg?

Answer: A Director's Cut

What is the difference between Madonna and E.T.?

Answer: One's an inarticulate monster and the other's a fictional character in a Steven Spielberg film.