Chuck Norris Jokes

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this mans blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back. But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Before they met Chuck Norris, the Black Eyed Peas were simply known as "The Peas."

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction. He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.

Bruce Lee is the only person that lived from a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He died a year later.

CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Ten and half Men.

CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Two and half Men.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Charlie Sheen winning? Chuck Norris says "I think not."

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the FIFA world cup.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

Chuck Norris can block Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook account.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and scream.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand… While he’s sitting on it…

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move… a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – three times.