Hillary Clinton Jokes

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.

And Monica blew it.

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?

Answer: The United States of America!

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. First, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent said, "Mr President, it was a request from the home team”everybody from the owner down to the bat boy." (What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!)

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, hoists her over the wall and drops her onto the playing field.

She scrambles up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "Hey, you were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally ashen. Bill asks the agent: What's wrong?

As soon as he could speak, the stricken agent stammered: "Sir, I said: "They want you to throw out the first PITCH."

Bill Clinton steps out of the Air Force One carring a small dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, Sir!" Bill says, "Thanks, I got it for Hillary." The man replies, "Nice trade, Sir!"

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."

Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.

So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.

Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."

"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.

"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."

"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.

"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives?

Answer: The world.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile. "Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman. The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

Did you hear Atlanta is getting a new mascot?

Answer: Hillary Clinton

Did you see the Jim Carrey movie about the Benghazi Hearings?

Answer: It's called "Liar Liar Pantsuit on Fire"

Do you know the difference between Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton?

Answer: Vladimir Putin can win an election rigged in his favor.

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

Answer: The United States of America.

Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.

Nixon's Disease

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.

He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?'

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.

Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

Hillary Clinton just announced Monica Lewinsky will be her VP. Because when Hillary can't get the job done, Monica can.

Hillary Clinton wears boxers. Bill Clinton wears briefs. Barack Obama wears thongs. What does John McCain wear?

Answer: Depends

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United
States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

Answer: They were dating the same girl in high school.

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

Answer: He married her.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes, who survives?

Answer: America

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no.

So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod.
Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

The other day Clinton saw someone selling puppies outside the White House. The president thought the puppies were very cute and asked about them. The man said they were democrats, thus making the president very happy. The next week he brought Hillary over to see the puppies, and said they were Democrats. The man quickly corrected the president and said they were now Republicans. The president asked why they changed, and the man said "Because last week they still had their eyes closed."

There were five people on a plane. Malcolm Turnball, a skater boy, an elderly man, a little school girl and Hilary Clinton. The plane was about to crash and there was only four parachutes.

Malcolm Turnball said, "I am about to be the president, so i need a parachute".

The skater boy said, "I have a long life ahead of me, so i need one too".

Malcolm and the skater both grab one and jump out.

Hilary Clinton said, " I am also running for president, so i also need one". Grabs one and jumps out.

The elderly man turns to the little girl and says, " I have lived my life. You haven't, so you take the last one".

The little girl shook her head. "No sir. We can both go. Malcolm Turnball stole my school bag".

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

Answer: Playing bridge.

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

Answer: Not according to Dad.

What do you call a Iowan who hates Hillary?

Answer: A CORNservative

What do you call a party with Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton?

Answer: A blast from the past, present, and future presidents.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Answer: Chelsea Clinton

What does Hillary and the falcons have in common?

Answer: They both blew it in the last quarter.

What was Hillary Clinton's last gift to Monica?

Answer: Spot remover

What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?

Answer: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?

Answer: When Hillary is out of town.

What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?

Answer: Hillary doesn't get caught.

When will there be a woman in the White House?

Answer: When Hillary leaves town.

Why does Hillary always get on top?

Answer: Bill can only screw up.

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?

Answer: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Why does Hillary want to make love to Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

Answer: She wants to be the first lady.

Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?

Answer: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Answer: Because all his other wives support Hillary.

Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?

Answer: Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement!