George Bush Jokes

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

Abe Lincoln, George Washington, George Bush and Barack Obama are sitting at a table at a bar.

They discuss politics and time travel.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Afghans this time and one cyclist."
And the guy exclaimed, "A cyclist ?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 20 million Afghans!"

Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisers explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Cheney took over. Bush asks how Cheney is doing, and his advisers say, 'Ok but inflation is a bit high.' Bush says, 'Well I remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now?' His adviser says, '500 yen.'

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

Answer: A last name.

Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it?

Show answer

Answer: A last name

Did You hear about the Nobel Peace Prize won by Al Gore?

Answer: In a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush.

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, 'I will make someone happy!' and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, 'I will make five people happy!' and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, 'I will make 500 people happy!' and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, 'I will make the whole world happy!' and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.
George Washington says: "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says: "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says: "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says: "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane!

George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder!

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses.

"Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well,"

Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems."Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

Gore calls up Bush and says, "Hey, let's settle this Australian Style."

Bush asks, "How's that?"

Gore says, "First you stand there, and I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can." Then it's your turn. Whoever quits first is the loser.

Bush says, "OK, stands there," and is completely knocked over by Gore.

After 10 minutes, Bush stands up, and groans, "Alright, my turn."

Gore then replies, "It's all right, you can be president."

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?

Answer: The President after Bush

Mr. Reagan, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic.

Mr. Reagan says, "Save the Women!"

Mr. Bush says, "Screw the women!"

Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!"

President Bush is so stupid, he dyed his hair blonde to become smarter.

President George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant.

A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, “Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!”

President Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"

The American Indians have nicknamed George W Bush as Walking Eagle because he is so full of crap that he cant fly.

The Pope, a hippie, and George Bush were all on a plane that was crashing. The pilots had already jumped to safety and there were only two parachutes left. Without a moment's hesitation, Bush grabbed a pack, yelled "I'm the most powerful man in the universe! I have to survive!", and jumped from the plane.

The Pope, being the generous man that he is, said to the hippie, "You go ahead and take the last parachute. I'm an old man and I have lived a very full life."

The hippie thanked the Pope but said, "Don't worry - we'll both be fine. The most powerful man in the universe just jumped off the plane with my backpack."

This guy ends up in hell, along with 3 presidents

Having reached the place, he is taken by a demon to his eternal torment tar pit. Along the way, he sees some famous political figures.

There's Saddam, up in it to his belly, yelling and screaming. The guy thinks to himself: -Well deserved, surely.

As he continues, he sees Putin, up to his chest.
-You had it coming mate! He shouts while passing by.

Almost reaching him spot, he notices Bush next to the other 2 world leaders,with his feet barely covered. Outraged, he asks the demon: -How come George is barely being punished?

To which the demon replies: -Can't you see he's standing on Laura's shoulders?

Thousands of people are expected for the 15th annual Burning Man festival this year in Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. This is the big hippie festival, where people run around naked, drink and get stoned, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for president.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," saidthe genie.

The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15, 000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

What did Saddam say to George Bush after he invaded Kuwait?

Answer: Read my lips, I'm pulling out of Kuwait.

What do Gore and Pantyhose have in common?

Answer: They both irritate Bush!

What do you get when you cross George W. Bush and polygamist Warren Jeffs?

Answer: Mitt Romney with binders full of women!

What does President Bush say when congratulating the American Idol winner by phone?

Answer: I do everything I want, because of tremendous distractions like you.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

Why did all the gays vote for Clinton?

Answer: Because gays like assholes better than Bush.

Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?

Answer: He didn't want any Bushes at the White House.

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?

Answer: He wanted to see the burning Bush!

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Answer: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.