Albert Einstein Jokes

Albert Einstein is at a party and he's surrounded by a small crowd of admirers. He introduces himself to the first member of the group, and asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "191."

"Wonderful!" says Einstein. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert then turns to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

She responds, "123."

"Ah!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We, too, have much to discuss!"

Einstein then notices a third member of the group and again inquires about the man's IQ. This time the answer is "62." The great physicist ponders for a moment, then brightens and says, "GO YANKEES!"

Albert Einstein and Homer Simpson had a bet

Albert Einstein says “If I can’t answer your question, i’ll give you a million dollars. If you can’t answer my question, you have to give me five dollars.”

Homer says “ok”

Albert Einstein says “I’ll start: What is the capital of France?”

Homer says “lol idk”

Homer gives Einstein 5 dollars.

Homer says “What is alive but also dead”

Einstein doesn’t know the answer, and gives Homer a million dollars

Einstein says “Wow, that was a tough question, what’s the answer?”

Homer gives Einstein 5 dollars.

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"

Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.

Did you know that Einstein invented a new way to swim?

Answer: It was a stroke of genius!

Do you know why people didn't understand Einstein?

Answer: Because he spoke german.

Einstein and Tesla walked into a bar...
...but Edison walked into a pascal.

Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and a beer for my friend, Heisenberg."

The bartender looks around and asks, "Is your friend here?"

"Well," says Einstein, "he is and he isn't."

How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?

Answer: He was very thinkful.

How did Einstein begin the stories he told his children?

Answer: Once upon a space-time...

I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity. It was about time.

Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.

Answer: E = M.C.²

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven

They’re bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, notices Newton and says: “Ha, gotcha Newton!”, but Newton just replies: “Nah man, you got Pascal.”

What did Einstein say when he married his first cousin?

Answer: It’s all relative.

What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?

Answer: Nein! Mine Stein!

What did Jesus say to Albert Einstein when Einstein died?

We could have used a brilliant mind like yours in Heaven. Too bad you are a Jew.

Einstein replied, "That explains why you're here with me."

What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?

Answer: A stroke of genius.

What does Einstein read on the Toilet?

Answer: Brownian motion

What happened when Einstein smoked pot for the first time?

Answer: Mankind attained its highest form of intelligence.

What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?

Answer: MC Squared!

What would Albert Einstein's name be if he was blonde?

Answer: Nobody would know!

What's the opposite of Albert Einstein?

Answer: Alabama, because relatives is everything.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night, as Einstein and his chauffer were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur, a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks amd manner, that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein put on the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then, an extremely pompous professor asked a confusing and difficult question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur answer it for me."

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?

Answer: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was there also.

Why didn't Einstein discover radium?

Answer: Because he wasn't CURIEOUS.