Vladimir Putin Jokes

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"

Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a moment and answers: "it's me."

Impressed, Trump decides to ask Paul Ryan the same question. Stumped, Ryan says he needs sometime to consider the question.

The next day, after a particularly heated exchange with Nancy Pelosi, Ryan asks her: "if you're so smart, riddle me this: your parents have a child that isn't your brother or sister, who is it?" Pelosi shoots back, "well, obviously it's me."

The next time he sees Trump, Ryan proudly announces that he's solved the riddle and tells Trump: "well, obviously, it's Nancy Pelosi!"

Trump roars, "you idiot, this is why nothing gets done around here, it's not Pelosi, it's obviously Sergei Lavrov!"

Did you hear about the new Putin diet?

Answer: You let Obama eat your lunch every day.

Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia?

Answer: It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.

Do you know the difference between Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton?

Answer: Vladimir Putin can win an election rigged in his favor.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel enter a bar

Putin: "I'll have a G&T."
Bartender: "What's a G&T?"
Putin: "Gin and tonic."

Merkel: "I'll have a V&C."
Bartender: "What's a V&C?"
Merkel: "Vodka and coke."

Trump: "I'll have a 7&7."
Bartender: "What's a 7&7?"
Trump: "16."

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Answer: Doesn't matter.

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium...or would he be too chicken?

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building. During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia.

President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.
The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'

This guy ends up in hell, along with 3 presidents

Having reached the place, he is taken by a demon to his eternal torment tar pit. Along the way, he sees some famous political figures.

There's Saddam, up in it to his belly, yelling and screaming. The guy thinks to himself: -Well deserved, surely.

As he continues, he sees Putin, up to his chest.
-You had it coming mate! He shouts while passing by.

Almost reaching him spot, he notices Bush next to the other 2 world leaders,with his feet barely covered. Outraged, he asks the demon: -How come George is barely being punished?

To which the demon replies: -Can't you see he's standing on Laura's shoulders?

This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'

Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.

Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician, he makes his opponents disappear!

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country
He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

Vladimir Putin was just re-elected. He won 134% of the vote.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Answer: Mankind

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to Earth. So Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Trudeau has his turn and calls Canada for 4 hours. When he’s finished, the Devil informs him that there would be ‘No Charge’ and to feel free to call Canada anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the Devil why Trudeau got to call Canada for free. The Devil replied,
”Since Justin Trudeau became Prime Minister of Canada, the country has gone to Hell, so it’s a local call!"

What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?

Answer: Put-it-in!

What do Russians eat for dessert?

Answer: Rice Putin.

What does Vladimir Putin wipe his feet on before he goes in the house?

Answer: The Kompromat

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

Answer: Crimea River

What is Vladimir Putin's tiny wife's name?

Answer: Lilly Putin.

What is Xi Jinpings pet name for the Russian president?

Answer: Winnie the Putin

What's Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Answer: The Crimea River

Why does Sarah Palin think Vladimir Putin approves of her?

Answer: Because they both like to shoot animals from helicopters!