Chuck Norris Jokes

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.

Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?

Answer: Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.

hen Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Hey Baby....I'm Chuck Norris!

huck Norris' computer has no backspace button, because Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

If Chuck Norris appears in your dream, don't panic, he is only looking for Freddy Krueger.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?

Answer: Chuck Norris

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has $10.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

In the late 80's When Michael Jackson first met Chuck Norris he turned white.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jason Bourne fought Chuck Norris but he can't remember because now he has amnesia.

Jason Bourne is Chuck Norris' daughter...

Jean-Claude Van Damme once attempted to throw a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. He was immediately arrested for fraud.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' butt. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kim Kardashian use to be 8 feet tall until Chuck Norris uppercut both her feet and that is why her ass is so big.

Lehman Brothers owed Chuck Norris a fiver. When he asked for payback, well, you know the rest.

Leonardo DiCaprio had to ask permission from Chuck Norris to say the famous line "I'm the king of the world."

Leonardo DiCaprio had to ask permission from Chuck Norris to say the famous line "I'm the king of the world."

Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way, that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Michael Jordan to Chuck Norris:

I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours.

Can you?

Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes.

Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.

Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.

Not even Houdini can escape from Chuck Norris.

Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face. Nobody would survive anyway.

On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Only once in history has Chuck Norris snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.

Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

Rambo is simply Chuck Norris disguised as Sylvester Stalone playing tag.

Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.

Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Chuck Norris didn't pursue a boxing carreer.