Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… Twice.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris doesn't play hide-and-seek, he plays hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices, his vehicles run on fear.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

Chuck Norris doesn’t pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use GUI, he prefers the command line.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it's just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.

Chuck Norris is the reason why George Michael is never gonna dance again.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Professor X is on a wheelchair.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.