James Bond Jokes

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued by his words the woman replied, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?"

"It says you're not wearing any knickers..." came the reply.

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!"

007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Apart from Bond, what do Connery and Craig have in common?

Answer: They both got whacked in the untouchables.

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

Answer: In Daniel Craigslist

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Answer: Shaven, not furred

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!
He is shaken but not stirred.

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn’t hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says “Virgin Mary speaking.” M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn’t.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. “Virgin Mary speaking,” comes the response. “Is James there yet?” asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really concerned by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
“Hello, Mary speaking…”

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away...his family say that they are shaken....but not stirred!

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus, apparently there is time to die!

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...
... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

Answer: I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Answer: Casio royale

What do you call an old James Bond?

Answer: Bondage

What do you call Irish James Bond?

Answer: Dublin O'Seven!

What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Answer: Bubble-0-7

What does James Bond do before going to bed?

Answer: He goes under cover.

What is James Bond's favorite choice of pay?

Answer: He likes to cash in with Moneypennys.

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

Answer: A Q-rig

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

Answer: He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Answer: Michael J Fox

Who was a cow's favorite James Bond actor and James Bond girl actress?

Answer: Roger Moo and Graze Jones.

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

Answer: They're all good but I like Roger Moore.