Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars. The last one was called the Hindenburg.

Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout. They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his chin.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once crossed the road...no one has ever dared to question his motives.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, he is known as Super Man.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Superman.

Chuck Norris once encountered the men in black and he still remembers it.

Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple. Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

Chuck Norris once separated his powers into five people, they are now called The Avengers.

Chuck Norris once shook a pirates hand. That pirate is now known as Captain Hook

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris told Anne Robinson she was the weakest link and made her leave the stage.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris was exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus is now in quarantine for a month.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible. He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the tittle wouldn't make any sense.

Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.

Chuck Norris won an award today. Kanye West sat politely in his seat.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Columbus may have discovered America, but after a conversation with Chuck Norris it was decided, Chuck Norris discovered America.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Darth Vader wears a Chuck Norris mask for Halloween.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Elvis Presley, Richard Petty, Budweiser, and Michael Jackson all call Chuck Norris "The King".

Eminem says "I'm not afraid".
Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"

Even if Chuck Norris was your father, i'd still ask you out.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.