Death Jokes

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

Answer: As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born?

Answer: He must have been a fast writer!

Dodi wanted to go out night-clubbing, but Diana just wanted to crash ...

How will the priest begin Michael Kennedy's eulogy?

Answer: We are gathered here together on this slalom occasion...

How will the priest begin the eulogy?

Answer: We are gathered together on this slalom occasion...

I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then WHAM!

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

The good news about Joan Rivers’ death is that the body can go straight to Madame Tussauds.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

What did Barack Obama tell Al Qaida after Osama Bin Laden’s death?

Answer: Don’t put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

What did Kanye West say at patrick swayze's funeral?

Answer: Yo. Patrick, I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute. but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year.

What did the Queen give Fergie for her birthday?

Answer: A new Mercedes and a trip to Paris.

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?

Answer: They're both cute as hell and can't fly!

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Answer: Their last big hit was the wall.

What kind of tribute should Cher perform?

Answer: A moment of silence.

What preceded Sonny Bono's senseless death?

Answer: Sonny Bono's senseless life.

What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?

Answer: Ocean Spray.

What was Linda McCartney's greatest legacy?

Answer: That the Beatles could barely sing, but she and Yoko made them sound good.

What was Paul McCartney's reaction to his wife's death?

Answer: Live and let die.

What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?

Answer: You look smashing!

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Answer: Two more bullets!

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?

Answer: John Denver made it out of Aspen alive.

What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?

Answer: Tiger Woods has a more reliable driver.

Why did Sonny Bono ski into the tree?

Answer: It's always been a good political move to keep up with the Kennedys.

Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?

Answer: After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.

Why did Ted Bundy want to become a lawyer?

Answer: To file wrongful death suits!

Why doesn't Di like the French press?

Answer: Because they drive her up the wall.

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?

Answer: Because he was dead.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In reality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.