Donald Trump Jokes

Trump has been counting his protesters as supporters. No wonder why he thinks they're in the thousands.

Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother.

Trump is going too far. He deported a printer because it didn’t have papers.

Trump keeps calling CNN "fake" news because... it's consistent with what Melania keeps telling him are "real" orgasms.

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees
Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

Trump’s medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks. He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.

Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Answer: Mankind

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to Earth. So Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Trudeau has his turn and calls Canada for 4 hours. When he’s finished, the Devil informs him that there would be ‘No Charge’ and to feel free to call Canada anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the Devil why Trudeau got to call Canada for free. The Devil replied,
”Since Justin Trudeau became Prime Minister of Canada, the country has gone to Hell, so it’s a local call!"

Wanna hear a racist joke?

Answer: Donald Trump

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Now we have Trump, no cash, and no hope.

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

Answer: He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

What did Matthew McConaughey see at the Trump rally?

Answer: All white, all white, all white

What did Melania say to Donald right after sex?

Answer: Honey, I'll be home in 30 minutes.

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

Answer: They both come with force touch...

What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

Answer: They both whine alot!

What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common?

Answer: They both have a cabinet full of potatoes.

What do Donald Trump, Pink Floyd, and Dale Earnhardt all have in common?

Answer: The wall.

What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?

Answer: Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.

What do presidents jump on?

Answer: A trumpoline!

What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?

Answer: They put on a super spread.

What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

Answer: The League of Extraordinary Con Men.

What do you call an actor that gets employed by Trump?

Answer: Alec Baldwin

What do you call to Donald Trump's business card?

Answer: A trump card

What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.

What does Donald Trump and a pornstar have in common?

Answer: They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

Answer: The erection is rigged!

What does the secret service say when President Trump almost gets shot?

Answer: Donald, duck!

What does Trump have besides money?

Answer: A barber with a sense of humor.

What happened when Pope Francis splashed some Holy Water on Donald Trump?

Answer: He began to burn!

What is Donald Trump really trying to do?

Answer: Make America Hate Again

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?

Answer: Orange Is The New Black

What is Donald Trump's most anticipated movie of the year?

Answer: The Great Wall

What is Donald Trumps favourite song?

Answer: Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd, because he don't need no education....

What is Donald Trump’s favorite game?

Answer: Fortnite. Because he can build walls for free.

What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about?

Answer: All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts!

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Answer: Trump had connections with Russia.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

Answer: George Washington couldn’t tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth. Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

What is Trump's favorite song?

Answer: What does the Fox say?

What isn't a better love story than Twilight?

Answer: Donald and Ivanka.

What'?s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole?

Answer: Donald Trump's tie.

What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common?

Answer: Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.

What's Donald Trump's favorite operating system?

Answer: Windows

What's one major problem with the Trump victory?

Answer: Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and 5 year old?

Answer: Honestly, somebody tell me because I have no fucking clue.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Aaron Burr?

Answer: Trump *doesn't* want to be in the room where it happens.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

Answer: If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.

What's Trump's least favorite periodic element?

Answer: Just Tin

Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Answer: Discrimination

Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Answer: Meat and Democrats!