Oneliner Jokes

20 minutes into Pink Floyd and chill....and the first song isn't even over yet.

A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don’t know who is in hell, me or her.

AC/DC are the most electrifying band, it's amazing how they always adapt to each other.

Actually, Tyson had a prison flashback, became attracted to Holyfield, and started to nibble on his ears.

Alexander Fleming broke the mould when he discovered Penicillin.

All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.

Anyone who thinks Mcgregor beating Mayweather is impossible...forgot Donald J Trump is our 45th President!

Apparently Katie Price is writing a new book about all the men she’s slept with, it’s called the The Telephone Book.

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year, just proves that men are better at everything, including, being a woman.

Columbus discovered the new world...much like a meteorite discovered the Dinosaurs!

Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.

Everybody has been reading about the fight today...except Floyd Mayweather.

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...900 with just one punch.

First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston, Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes “Don’t Do It”.

Floyd Mayweather's true record is 51-0...they forgot to count the 3 times he beat his wife.

Floyd was supposed to hug his wife and fight his opponent, he got them mixed up.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a ba...but they didn't planet that way?

He tried to sue Lorena but failed - the evidence would not stand up in court!

I apologize for not knowing my 90's boy bands. I was never *NSYNC with the trends.

I bet they didnt need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.

I can't Handel Liszts. If I forget something while Chopin, I just go Bach later.

I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity. It was about time.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted. The fifth one was dead Sirius.

I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...but today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter...I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.

I used to only listen to classical music...but now I think outside of the Bachs.

I used to say ” It takes a lot of balls to publicly admit you cheated, but Lance Armstrong proved it only takes one.

I wonder if Christmas is Mariah Carey's favorite holiday...because it revives her career.

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

If Morgan Freeman pledges to donate his organs after death, his name after he dies will be M Freeman.

If Shaquille O’Neal was a shade of blue he would be Shaquille O’Teal.

If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called “what direction”!

If you ask LeBron James for change for a dollar, he'll only give you three quarters in return.

If you can read this...you're not Floyd Mayweather!

If you don't like this Harry Potter joke, there's something Ron with you!

Imagine if Jesus was Russian, and it was vodka instead of wine.

It's a good thing for Holyfield that Tyson wasn't three feet tall!

It's a little unfair that Mike Vick is looked down upon for dog fighting, and The Mario Bros. are celebrated from taking mushrooms and turtle bashing.

It’s ironic that Gordon Ramsay has so many kids….because he doesn’t serve raw meat!

I’ve got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it…Shake-Shaq

Jay Gatsby's car was a real hit with the ladies.

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...I guess she's past her prime.

John McEnroe gave me his broken tennis racket, no strings attached.

Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then WHAM!

Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time. But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.

Looks like Whitney Houston is cool again now that she's just made the transition from mainstream to the underground.