Werner Heisenberg Jokes

Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and a beer for my friend, Heisenberg."

The bartender looks around and asks, "Is your friend here?"

"Well," says Einstein, "he is and he isn't."

Heisenberg and Schrödinger were in a car when...they suddenly hit something. Heisenberg, who was the driver, exclaimed, "Oh no! I think I just hit a cat!"

Schrödinger asks, "Is it dead?"

Then Heisenberg says, "You know, I'm not quite sure."

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Hey, but where is Heisenberg?

Answer: We're not certain.

One day, Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Werner Heisenberg is driving and is pulled over for going very fast. The officer asks if he knows how fast he was going. He replies "No, but I know exactly where I am." The officer replies "You were going 150kph!". Heisenberg throws up his hands and says "Great! Now I'm completely lost!"

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.

Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"

And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it."

And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

Why did Werner Heisenberg hate driving cars?

Answer: Because, every time he looked at the speedometer he got lost!

Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

Answer: He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Answer: Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

Answer: When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Why wasn't Heisenberg a good lover?

Answer: Because whenever he had the time, he didn't have the energy.