Grateful Dead Jokes

A deadhead hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

How did the grateful dead almost get their name?

Answer: Feeling up the nurses.

How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?

Answer: They're still there.

How many dead heads does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: A1: None. They just let it burn out then follow it around for twenty years A2: None. "Screw that light bulb, man...just light a candle." A3: None, it glows anyway. A4: Eight. One to change it , three others to tape the event, and four to sell homemade tie-dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: One to change it, 500 to tape it and 16,000 to dance around it until it burns out.

If you see three flies in the bathroom, how do you know which one is the deadhead?

Answer: The one on the pot.

Jerry comes to his senses right after his death, looks around and sees that he is in the midst of rock music's late great ones: Jimi Hendix, Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, and many more. He even sees his old friend Pigpen. So Jerry walks up to him and after their initial greetings says, "This is fantastic, man! I never thought heaven would be like this, spending all of eternity playing music with all the great ones!" Pigpen looks up at Jerry and says, "What? You mean you think you're in heaven?" Just then, Karen Carpenter appears on stage, takes the microphone, and says, "Alright now, one more time until you get it right: 'Close to you.'"

This head is in Austin for spring tour and he goes into the hotel bar after the show and orders a beer. He remarks that the bar is 50 feet long. "Sure", the bartender replies, "everything is bigger in Texas". The bartender brings him his beer, and it must be 64 ounces! The bartender says "Yep, even the beers are bigger in Texas". The head has to relieve himself after such a large beer, and asks the barkeep where the toilet is. He's still a little addled from the show, and goes through the door on the left instead of the right and falls into the pool. Panicked, he yells, "don't flush, don't flush!"

Two deadheads are on vacation in Germany and decide to visit Beethoven's grave. They approach the cemetery and are startled to find someone sitting in the open grave, furiously tearing up scores of music. Outraged, they demand to know what's going on. "Shhh," comes the reply, "...I'm decomposing."

Two heads were discussing a recent show. "It was terrible, the mix was bad, Jerry forgot lines, the playing was uninspired, it was torture to listen to," said the first. The second added, "I agree, and it was too short, too!"

What did one deadhead say to the other when they ran out of LSD?

Answer: Wow man, this music stinks.

What did the Dead-head say when the drugs wore off?

Answer: God, these guys suck.

Where do you hide things from deadheads?

Answer: Under the soap.

Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?

Answer: To keep the music out of their eyes.